If you know me in person then there is a good chance that you know this about me...I'm kinda deathly afraid of animals. Sure I'm scared of Vampire Bats and Hippopotamuses and stuff, that’s a given, but I also freak out if squirrels get too close to me. The day when a squirrel maul-rapes my face is the same day in which I'll get to say "told ya so."
"Well, Nunziata, looks like I'm canceling our date at the Zoo." Says my imaginary friend.
No. Zoo's I can handle. I can deal with animals in their natural environments; behind Plexiglass and steel bars...it’s those pesky ones that walk the earth/NYC that freak me the fuck out.
Today’s story is totally truth.
On Monday I had a very important meeting with some TV people; the details of that meeting will be a post of its own in the future...hopefully. I knew I had to look nice, so I decided to break out the "nice shirt." Sadly, the nice shirt was located under a pile of not-so-nice shirts and it exited that dirty-laundry scrum quite wrinkled. Having no time to get myself to a dry cleaners, and also no knowledge of how-to iron, let alone owning an iron or an ironing board, I decide to "steam it up."
"Steaming-it-up" involves turning the shower on super-scalding-magma hot and hanging the shirt on the shower rod, letting the steam take over and in turn flattening out all the wrinkles. Works like a charm, plus it doubles as a ghetto sauna. Nothing funny or scary happened during the steaming process besides me slipping on the slick floor and nearly cracking open my head on the toilet...so I guess something funny and scary did happen, hmmm? Shall we call this foreshadowing?
Anyway, after about 15 minutes of steamy goodness I go back into the bathroom and its sauna-rific. I grab the shirt, and it looks better than ever before. Perfect. I think to myself "You know, everything is working out alright." I put it on and I look dapper. I crack open the window, to let the steam out and I shut the bathroom door behind me. I soldier on into my room and continue the "getting ready."
15 minutes elapse and I need to look in the mirror. I head back to the bathroom. A Hitchcock movie is playing on the TV as I pass it. I open the bathroom door, and am comforted by the still steaminess of la bano. All this moisture makes me want to pee, so I lift the seat and begin to stream liquid waste. Then, in that moment of mid-pee, a fucking sparrow flies from behind the shower curtain and starts having a shit-fit all around the bathroom. Here I am, penis in hand, freaking out and screaming with my pee-pee squirting everywhere like a drunken firefighter all alone on the hose.
And when I scream, I scream like a bitch. We're talkin' high pitch banshee wails. I pee all over EVERYTHING!!! The bird is flying in crazy criss-cross patterns all over the ceiling. The brunt of the pee-damage was the box of Maxim Magazines next to the toilet. If you were in the next room, you'd think I was being mauled by a liger. Just at the moment that I was done peeing on everything (combs, new rolls of toilet paper, toothbrushes), the bird flew out the crack of the window. A calm fell over me. My nice shirt was ruined, yes I peed on it.
In retrospect, I feel bad a.) for myself, and more importantly, b.) for the bird. This poor bird was flying by and noticed some nice steam coming out a window and needed some of it. The pre-historic caveman part of his bird brain was attracted by the steam, as if it was a sparrow in BC times in the Amazon. Then I had to come in there waving my penis and screaming and ruining the birds day.
The bird also shit in my bathtub.
As I walked to my meeting, in my not-as-nice backup shirt, I felt as though all of nature was laughing at me. The squirrels were gossiping on the telephone wires, the birds were tweeting "piss-bitch" to me as they passed in the air. Even the neighborhood dogs were shaking their heads in disapproval as I walked by.
Luckily, there were no fauna at the TV meeting.
Oh WE BLOG, I told my roommates that I had to get rid of the Maxims because they were old, and we were running out of room...not because i stained them yellow.
Will